Bora’m…

Doctor sana hamile oldugumu soylediginde cok heyecanlandim. Yeni bir ulke ve uc kisilik ailemizin dorduncu bir uyeye kavusuyordu. Daha sonra yine bir oglumuzun olacagini ogrendigimde cok mutlu oldum cunku, Barlas sagolsun, onun sayesinde olan cocuklariyla ugrasmayi ogrenmistim. Sen icimde buyudukce seni benim bir parcam ve fakat ayri bir kisi olacak sevmeye basladim.  Senin icin devamli Muzak dinlemeye basladim.. Genellikle klasik Muzak, bazen pop, araba sirada da Turk muzigi. Sen icimde hareket etmeyenlerin basladiginda sana konusmaya basladim. Babam ve Ben senin adini Barlas’in koymasina karar verdik cunku biz isiga yirudukten sonra bile o senin agabeyin olup seni korur diye dusunduk.

Dogum tarihin 27 Ocak 1985 olacak hesaplanmisti fakat sen kimildamadin. Doktor Gagnon, 1 Subat’ta ilacla dogumu baslatmaya karar verdi, fakat hava berbatti ve kar firtinasinda araba kullanmamak icin bir gence oncesinden hastaneye geldi. O gun sekiz sat IV’ye takili olarak dogum sancilari cektim fakat hic bir sey olmayinca doktor devam etmemeye, beklemeye karar Verdi ve hastaneden ciktik.

Ertesi gun, 2 Subat gunu ki bir Cumartesi idi, agbini kutuphaneye goturmemiz gerekiyordu. Baban arabayi kullaniyordu ve arabada babam, ben, agabeyin ve kopegimiz Scruffy vardi. Yollar buzluydu fakat babam Kanada’dan dolayi buzda araba kullanmakta sorun crkmiyordu. Bizi my hesaplamadigimiz, Texas’ta cok nadir olan buzlu yollara Texas’lilarin alisik olmadigiydi. Pipeline’da giderken karsi rampadan bir Cadillac’in bize dogru hizla geldigini gorduk. Baba arabayi kenara cekmeye calistiysa da kopru gibi kenarlari bariyerli bir bolumde oldugumuzdan kacacak bir yer yoktu. Bizi korumak icin, ve butun siddeti kendisi alsin diye,  baban arabayi olabildigince saga cevirdi . Diger araba bize butun hiziyla carptiginda, baba in “ugh!” dedigini duydum. Sonra hareket siz bir sekilde direksiyonun ustune yigildigini gordum. Baygindi. Basini on cama carpmis, direksiyon da gogsunu ezmisti.

Kapimi acip disari ciktim, once seni ve Scruffy’i arabadan cikardim, sonra babanin tarafindaki kamiya kostum. Ne kadar ugrastiysam da bir turlu iceri gocmus kapiyi acamadim.  Yoldaki diger butun arabalar sol icinde durmuslardi. Onlara kostum.. Bir arabadan digerine kosuyor, aglayarak yardim istiyordum. Sonunda insanlar soktan ciktilar ve birisi polis imdat hattini aradi sanirim.. Aniden heryer polis arabalari, ambulans, itfaiye, acip yardim elemanlari ile doldu. Sirenleri duymak beni biraz olsun rahatlatti. Aniden gormemeye basladim, heryer kapi ara oldu. Beni yol kenarina oturttular, Barlas beni sakinlestirmeye calisiyordu.. Bana babanin Iyi oldugunu, polislerle, acil servis elemanlariyla konustugunu soyluyordu.  Barlas o gun BENIM kahramanimdi, aramizda ayakta durability Tek kisi, 9 yasinda kucuk bir cocuk! (Daha sonra Amerikan Izci klubu bu cesaretinden dolayi Barlas’a madalya Verdi).. Acil servis idler beni kontrol edince koprucuk kemiklerimin kirildigini, gogsumun cok kotu ezildigini ve en kotusu senin minik kalbinin tehlike sinyalleri verdigini bu sebeple acil sezeryan yapilacagini soylediler.

BIzi ambulansa koyduklarinda tekrar gormeye baslamistim. Baban de sedyede olmasina ragmen kendine gelmisti ve bana hic bakmadan, Barlas’a ayni sorulari belki yuz deaf sordu: “neden ambulanstayiz? Ne oldu? Nereye gidiyoruz?”  Benim henuz dokuz yasindaki kucucuk oglum Barlas son derece sakin bir sekilde ve sabirla cevap veriyordu: ” bir kaza oldu. Kimse ciddi bir sekilde yaralanmadi. Hastaneye gidiyoruz.” Hastaneye varmadan once baban yine bilincini kaybetmisti.  (Baban hala kazayi ve kazadan onceki uc, kazadan sonraki uc saati hatirlamiyor.) Bu araba Scruffy de komsularimizi haberdar etmek icin Eve kosmus..

Bizi HEB Metodist Hastanesine goturduler. Orada babani hastanenin baska bir bolumune, noroloji uzmanlarincs tetkik edilmek uzere goturduler. Ben sezeryan icin ameliyathaneye goturulurken bir hemsire de Barlas’i arkadaslarimiza telefon edip haber version diye bir ofise sokuyordu. Ameliyathanede bir hemsire ameliyat uzun kagidini imzalamami soyledi, fakat parmaklarim o kadar sismisti ki kalemi tutamiyordum bir turlu. Bir umut, babanin ne durumda oldugunu ogrenebilirim belki diye, hemsireye “esim imzalasin” dedim. Cacaron bir hemsire “kocanin ne halde oldugunu biliyormusun ki?” deyip elimi tuttu, kalemi parmaklarimin arasina sikistirdi ve zorla onay anlamina gelecek carpi isareti yaptirdi.. Iste boyle.. Memleketten ve ailemizden altibin mil otede, hic yakin arkadasimizin olmadigi bir yerde,  seni sezeryan ile dogurmak uzereyim ve baban yasiyor mu oldu mu bilmiyorum.. Bu run haliyle kendimden gectim….

Kendime geldigimde babanin sevgi doldu gozlerini gordum. Basi da koca bir sargi, hastane gomlegi icinde, kolunda IV, ve tekerlekli sandalyede idi. Doktorlarin kendisini tetkik ettigini ve herseyin Iyi oldugunu soyledi. Ameliyati yaptiktan sonra Doktor Gagnon hastanenin diger bolumunde yatan babanin odasina kosmus, hala baygin olan babana sarilmis ve “Mithat, bir oglun oldu!” diye bagirmis ve baban onun sesiyle kendine gelmis… Sarilmislar ve birbirlerinin omuzunda aglamislar. Sonra Doktor Gagnon babani tekerlekli sandalyeye koyup benim odama getirmis.

Ve seni getirdiler…. Gozlerin kapaliydi ama dunyanin en guzel tebessumu dudaklarindaydi… Kocaman ve cok guzel bir bebektin…. Gogsumun ezilmisligi ve kirilmis koprucuk kemiklerimden dolayi seni karnimin uzerine koyduklar.. Sana dokunamiyordum… Aglamaya basladim… Baban tekerlekli sandalyadan kalkti, seni aldi ve seni koklayayim, hissedeyim diye yuzume yakin getirdi…  Oh ne muhtesem bir andi…

Sonra maviyesil hastane gomlegi icinde Barlas geldi… Be kadar da buyumus gozukuyordu… Baban seni onun kollarina birakti, boylece tanistiniz. Barlas seni biberonla beslerken baban fotografinizi cekti ki o fotograf benim hayatim boyu en cok sevdigim fotograf oldu. Barlas’a isminin ne olacagini sorduk. Firtinali bir gun de dogdugun ve isminin bunu yansitmasi gerektigini soyleyen Barlas sana “Bora” adini verdi.

Hastanede 11 gun kaldik.

Yurdumuzdan altibin mil uzaktaydik ve ailemizi endiselenddirmek istemedik. Bu sebeple onlara kazadan bahsetmedik. Sadece dogum mujdeni verdik fakat fotograf da gondermemiz gerekiyordu tabi. O fotograflari cekmek cok sancili oldu.. Benim askilarimi falan cikardik, baban seni kollarina yatirdi…. Boylece kimse herhangi birseyin farkina varamaz diye dusunduk. Varamadilar.

Agbine “GUNES ISIGIM” derdim cunku dogdugunda yasamimiza Isik ve mutluluk getirmisti. Kazada dunyamiz altust, kapkara oldu… Fakat senin dogumunla dunyamiz bircok isikla renklendi, mutlulandi… Bu yuzden sana “GOKKUSAGIM” dedim.

MY RAINBOW BIRTH / GOKKUSAGIM DOGUM

Bora, my love…
When the doctor confirmed that I was pregnant I was very excited.. A new country and our family of three was going to have a fourth member. Later on we learned that it was another boy and I felt happy, because I knew how to deal with boys thanks to your brother Barlas. As you grew inside me I started to love you you as part of me but also as a separate person. I used to listen to music a lot for you, both classical and pop, sometimes throwing in some Turkish music. When you started to move, I also started talking to you. Dad and I decided that we would let Barlas name you since, we thought, when we go he still would be your older brother to take care of you.

Your due date was 27th January 1985 but you didn’t budge. Doctor Gagnon decided to induce you on the 1st of February. The weather was terrible so he checked in the night before so he didn’t have to travel in a snowstorm. I was induced for eight hours, experienced excruciating pains, but nothing happened and the doctor decided he was not going to continue. I was discharged and went home.

The next day, on February 2nd, which was Saturday  we had to take your brother to the library. Dad was driving and we had Barlas and our dog Scruffy in the car. The roads were icy but dad was well experienced in driving icy roads. What we didn’t calculate was that the Texans were terrible drivers when it came to icy roads which happened rarely. We were driving on Pipeline and saw a Cadillac coming down straight to us. Dad manoeuvred the car but there was nowhere to escape we were on a bridgelike section. In order to protect us, your dad manoeuvred the car so that he could take the full impact himself. As the other car hit us head on, I’ve heard your dad mutter “ugh!” And then he was unconscious. His head hit the windshield and the steering wheel hit his chest. I opened the door, let you and Scruffy out and run to Dad’s side. I tried frantically to open the door but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t. All other vehicles were stopped in shock and I started running from one to another crying for help. Finally people came out of shock and somebody must have called the 911, suddenly there were ambulances, police cars, fire engines, medics… Oh how good it felt to hear those sirens.. Suddenly I lost my sight, I couldn’t see anything. They set me down by the roadside and Barlas was trying to calm me down. He was telling me that your dad was okay, talking to medics and officers. He was a trooper and my hero. My hero was a nine year old little boy! (Later on he was awarded a medal by the Boys Scouts of America). When the medics checked me they told me I had my collar bones broken and my chest was bruised badly and most importantly your heart started to give distress signals and we had to have an emergency C-section. When they put us in the ambulance I started to see again. Your dad was conscious, lying in a stretcher and asking questions. He asked the same questions perhaps hundred times to Barlas:  “why are we in an ambulance? What happened? Where are we going?” Each time my nine year old Barlas answered very calmly and without losing his patience: “we’ve been in an accident. Nobody is hurt seriously. We are going to hospital.”  Right before we arrived at the hospital your dad went unconscious again. (Your dad still does not remember the accident or three hours prior to nor three hours after the accident). In the meantime, Scruffy ran off to alert our neighbours.
They took us to HEB Methodist Hospital. At the hospital, they wheeled your dad to a different part of the hospital  to be checked by neurosurgeons. As I was taken to the delivery room I saw Barlas being led by a nurse to make a phone call to our friends.  At the delivery room, the nurse asked me to sign release papers but my fingers were so swollen I couldn’t hold the pen. Also worrying about your dad and hoping I would get an information about his condition I said “please ask my husband sign”. To this, a nasty nurse responded “are you aware what condition he is in at the moment? You need to sign yourself!” With that, she held my hand, pressed a pen between my swollen fingers and made me draw an “X” in the approval section in lieu of my signature. There I was.. Going into deliver you with C-section in a strange country with no relatives or real close friends and not knowing if your dad was dead or alive….

When I came to, I saw your dad’s loving eyes.. He was in an hospital gown and in a wheelchair and his head was bandaged. He told me that he was checked and everything was fine. After delivering you, apparently Dr Gagnon run to your dad’s room at the other side of the hospital, and hugged still unconscious Mithat, yelling “Mithat, you have a lovely, healthy boy!” Your dad apparently heard his voice and came to… They’ve embraced and cried at each other’s shoulders.  Then Dr Gagnon wheeled him to my room to wait for me to wake up.

Then, they brought you in… Your eyes were closed but you had the most beautiful smile on your lips.. You were big and really beautiful… They placed you on my tummy not on my chest because of the bruises and because of my broken bones I couldn’t touch you… I started to cry… Your dad got up his wheelchair held you and brought you close to my face so I could smell you… Feel you… It was so sweet..

Then Barlas walked in with his hospital gown, looked so grown up.. Dad handed you to his arms and you two met. While he was feeding you with a bottle dad took a picture that became my favorite picture of all times.  We asked Barlas what the name was going to be. He said because you were born in a stormy day your name should bear witness to that and named you “Bora”, “Storm in Turkish.”

We stayed at the hospital for 11 days.

We were 6 thousand miles away from home and didn’t want to upset or worry our family. So we didn’t tell them about the accident. We just gave them the news of your birth. We had to send pictures, too. It took great pains to take those pictures. We had to remove my collarbone bandages and supports… Your dad laid you down on my arms.. So no one would know that something was wrong. They didn’t.

I used to call your brother “MY SUNSHINE” because he brought light and happiness in our lives. With the accident our world turned upside down, and very dark.. Then you came along with many colours of light and made us very happy… And I called you “MY RAINBOW”.

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