Canim oglum,

1986 Temmuz sonu, Sen 1,5 yasindayken Kanada’ya donduk ve Montreal’in yarim saat kuzeyinde, Mirabel havaalanina yakin Ville Lorraine’de ev aldik.  100 de Gaulle Boulevard. Evin arkasi Cinar agaclari ile dolu olan bir dag gecidine bakiyordu. Yerler ise egrelti otu kapliydi ve her cesit bogurtlen ve dag meyvasi bulunuyordu.

Bir gece senin korku dolu cigliklarina uyandik, odana kostuk. Yataginda oturmustun, gercekten cok korkmus bir sekilde agliyordun.. Yuzun gozyaslarindan sirilsiklam olmustu ve terliyordun.. Iki elinle karnini tutmustun ve “beni bicakladilar!… Beni bicakladilar!” diye cigliklar atiyordun. Bu kelimelerin ne anlama gelecegini bilemeyecek kadar kucuktun fakat saclarin ve tum vucudun terden sirilsiklam olmustu. Seni kucagima aldim, sakinlesmen icin elimden geleni yaptim. Sakinlestiginde basini kaldirdin, yasindan cok yasli bakan gozlerini gozlerime diktin ve son derece ciddi bir sekilde “biliyorsun, sen benim karimdin” dedin, basini gogsume dayadin ve sakin bir uykuya daldin.

O dag gecidinde ailece yuruyusler yapar, bogurtlen toplardik. Hatirliyor musun? Insanlar cinar agaclarina musluklar takar musluklara da birer kova asar, cinar  surubu yapmak icin agaclarin usaresini toplarlardi. Sonbaharda muthis bir renk festivali yaratirdi cinar yapraklari… Sarinin ve kirmizinin butun tonlarini  tasiyan bu yapraklar , dunyanin en guzel doga tablosunun sonuk kalacagi, inanilmaz bir tablo yaratirdi….

Ikimiz cilek ciftliklerine cilek toplamaya giderdik. Senin sepetin hep bos olurdu cunku sen topladigini yemeyi tercih ederdin. Hava sogumaya basladiginda elma bahcelerine gittik, at arabasina bindik, elmalar topladik… Yakinlarda bir at ciftligi vardi, orada atlari elma ile beslemeyi cok severdin, hele bir at sen elindeki elmayi agzina verebil diye diz coktugunde sevinc cigliklari atmistin. O kocaman atlardan hic korkmuyordun.

Ve kar yagdi… Senin ilk karin… Gece geldiginde her yer karla kaplanmisti, bembeyaz, peri masallari gibi… Seni giydirdik ve disari ciktik. Oraya buraya her yone kosuyordun. Bu beyaz sihirden cok etkilenmistin… Dilini cikartip kar tanelerini tadiyordun… Barlas sana karda melek yapmayi ogretti ve o gece sen bir yigin melek yaptin, melegim… Sana  kirmizi plastikten kayak almistik. Kar kiyafetini giydirir, bu kayaklari ayagina gecirirdim ve kayaklarini takmis olan babanin cubuklarini tutup onun arkasindan birlikte kayardiniz. Sen kaymaya boyle basladin oglum. Yakinlarda bir tepe vardi. Barlasin kizaginda, onun bacaklari arasina otururdun ve ikiniz asagiya hizla kayardiniz… Benim korkudan nefesim kesilirken sen sevinc cigliklari atardin… O cigliklar hala kulagimda, canim oglum.

Henuz uc yasindaydin… Bir gun sen, koskoca bir oyun salonu haline getirdigimiz bodrum katinda oynuyordun, Ben de yukarida, mutfaktaydim. Aniden yanima geldin, fakat sakin bir sekilde..uzerinde mavi polar tulumun vardi. Son derece sakin bir sekilde “Asagida yangin var, fakat Ben kapiyi kapattim” dedin. Bir yerden bir cakmak bulmus ve kazayla kanepeyi tutusturmustun. Fakat sana ve agbine ogrettigimiz guvenlik kurallarini hatirlamis, hemen orayi terketmis ve yangini o bolgede tutmak icin kapiyi da kapamistin.

Hatirliyor musun, Nuran teyzen, Umit amcan ve Zeynep bize ziyarete gelmislerdi. Her ikinizi de senin arabaya koyar oyle dolasirdik. Bir keresinde Umit, sen ve Zeynep’i banyoda cibildak yikanirken resminizi cekmisti…yuzlerinizdeki ifade cok sevimliydi…

Baharla birlikte kamp yapmaya hazirdik… O kadar cok yerde kamp yaptik ki…taa yukari New York’tan Cape Cod’a kadar… Her zaman canayakin ve giriskendin. Kampa varisimizdan birkac saat sonra kamptaki herkes, coluk cocuk, rangerler de dahil, herkes seni ve ismini bilirdi. Uc yasindayken New York’ta bir milli parka gitmistik… Sen dolasmaya basladin ve 4 yasindan 13 yasina kadar on kizi pesine takip geri geldin…. Hatirliyor musun, o aksam yemegi hazirladim, tam oturacagiz, bir kokarca ailesi geldi yemeklerimizi yemeye basladi. O berbat kokularini bize fiskirtirlar diye korkumuzdan gikimizi cikartamamis, arabaya atlayip yemegi disarda yemistik. Rangerler kamp atesi etrafinda toplanan kampcilara orman hikayeleri anlatirlardi. Sen babanin kucaginda, yildizlarin altinda, bu hikayeleri dinleyerek uykuya dalardin.

Bir keresinda taa Atlantik okyanusu kiyisindaki Cape Cod’da kamp kurmustuk. Su dondurucu soguktu ve kimse denize girmiyordu….senin disinda. O kadar uzun kaldin ki, usutmenden korktuk, fakat butun cagrilarimiza aldiris etmeden o buz gibi suda oynamaya devam ettin. Sonunda, zavalli babacigin o buz gibi suya girip seni geri getirdi.

Cok konuskan, cok canayakin, cok arkadas canlisiydin. Herkesle hemen kaynasir ve herkesle konusurdun. Fakat, birden konusmaktan vazgectin. Isteklerini, dusuncelerini sanki dilsizmis gibi ellerinle, mimiklerle ifade etmeye basladin. Once bunun sebebini anlayamadik, fakat dikkatli bir gozlemlemeden sonra anladik… Seni her gun yakindaki bir parka gotururdum orada cocuklarla oynardin. Onceleri seninle oynayan bu cocuklar seninle oynamaktan vazgecmis hatta seni iter kakar, seninle alay eder olmustu. Sen onlarla oynamak icin israr edince, birinin “biz ingilizlerle oynamiyoruz!” dedigini duydum. Sen de senin ingiliz degil Turk oldugunu soylemeye calisiyordun!  O yas grubundaki cocuklar elbette irkci olamazlar, bu ailelerinden ogrendikleri bir davranisti. Sen Kanada’nin frakofon/anglofon kavgasinin kurbani olmustun. O parka gitmekten vazgectik, kutuphaneye, diger parklara gittik, fakat Ville Lorraine bizim icin eskisi gibi sevimliydi bir yer degildi artik. Bu olay, bizim Texas’a donme karari vermemizde en buyuk etken oldu, canim oglum.

Loving you in Ankara, my love.

—-
Turkcesi asagida:

MONTREAL

My love,

At the end of July 1996, when you were 1,5 years old, we moved back to Canada and bought a house in Ville Lorraine… Half an hour drive from Montreal, near Mirabel airport. 100 de Gaulle Boulevard. The house was backing to a ravine filled with maple trees, ground was covered with ferns and all kinds of berries.

One night we woke up to your screams and ran to your room. You were sitting on your bed, terrified, crying.. Your face was wet with tears and you were sweating… You were holding your belly with your two hands and screaming “they’ve knifed me! They’ve knifed me!”… You were too little to know what those were meant but you were saying them and your hair and body was soaked in sweat… I took you in my arms, rocked back and forth … Back and forth..until you calmed down…then you looked up your eyes were very serious and with a as a matter of fact voice you said “you know you were my wife!” Then you put your head on my chest and fell to a peaceful sleep.

We used to walk at that ravine, collecting berries. Remember? People used to tap those maple trees and hang a bucket to collect that sap to make Maple Syrup. At fall, the maple tree leaf colors were amazing… All hues of yellow and red and anything in between…  No painting of nature would match this tableau in magnificence.

You and I went to strawberry picking, your basket was always empty because you would rather eat what you picked. As the weather got colder, we went to an apple orchard, rode horse drawn carriages, picked apples… There was a horse farm nearby, you loved feeding horses with apples and screamed with joy when the horse kneeled down to allow you feed him… You were never scared of that beast. Then the snow fell.. Your very first snow. By night everywhere was covered with snow. It looked like a magical place, out of story books. We dressed you up and went out… You were running every which way, amazed, sticking your tongue out to taste the snow… Barlas taught you how to make angel and that night you’ve made many many angels, my angel. We bought you a pair of red plastic skies. I would dress you up wamly, put your skies on, and you would hold dad’s poles and ski together with him…cross country… That is how you learned skiing my love. There was a hill in walking distance.. Barlas and you would tabbagone down that hill… Your screams of joy are still in my ears, my love.

You were only three years old.. One day you were playing in the basement which we turned into a huge playroom and I was in the kitchen upstairs. Suddenly you came up, wearing your blue polar coverall, very calm you said “there is a fire down there, but I closed the door”. Apparently you found a lighter and decided to play with it and accidentally set fire on the sofa. But remembered our safety lessons and shut the door behind you when you left, to contain the fire..

Do you remember, you aunt Nuran, Umit and  Zeynep came to visit us.. We would put you and Zeynep in your stroller together.. Umit also took a picture of you two having  bath.. It was so cute.

As the spring rolled in we were ready to camp…oh boy, we camped everywhere as far as in upstate New York and Cape Cod..  You were always very friendly and outgoing. Within a few hours of our arrival, everyone, Rangers and children included would know your name… You were three when we went to a national park in upstate New York…  You came back from your wondering with ten girls age ranging from 4 to 13… Do you remember, that evening I’ve prepared dinner and just as we were about to sit down a family of skunk came and sat before us and we’re helping themselves.. We couldn’t dare to shoo them away as they would surely spray us… We went out to eat…. The Rangers would tell stories around a camp fire, you would fall asleep in your dad’s arms while listening those stories under the starry sky..

Once we drove all the way to Cape Cod by the Atlantic. The water was freezing cold and no one was swimming… Except you.. You wouldn’t come out of the water, finally, scared that you would get sick, you poor father had to go in and get you.

You were very talkative and friendly. You would make friends very quickly and talk to anybody. I used to call you my chatterbox. But suddenly, you stopped talking.  Instead you started to express yourself with motions as if you were not able to speak… Initially we couldn’t understand the reason… But after careful observation we understood. I used to take you to a nearby park daily. And there you would play with children. Initially, those children would play with you but later on stopped playing and started to push you or make fun of you. When you insisted on playing with them, I heard one of them saying “we don’t want to play with Anglaise!” You were trying to explain that you were not an Anglaise you were a Turk! Children at that age group wouldn’t be racist, this was a learned behavior, learned from parents. You were the victim of Canada’s Francophone/Anglophone war.  We stopped going to that park, went to library and other parks but Ville Lorraine never felt as it did before. That, my love, helped us to make a decision to move back to Texas.

Loving you in Ankara, my love.